The Colin Times
“All the Lore That’s Fit to Print”
Special Edition · Printed for you
☞︎ How to read this paper: scroll, and tap anything that looks tappable. Eleven things on this page do something.
A1Exclusive
New Yorker, Open to Anything, Seeks Company for Christmas
Raised in the Bronx, then Bayside. Competitive about everything. Owns zero hobbies and would like some.
NEW YORK. I have lived in New York my whole life. Most of the early years were in the Bronx. The later ones were in Bayside.
I love to compete. If there is a way to keep score, I am keeping score. There is a game further down this page, and I did not go easy on it.
When it comes to hanging out and having fun, I am a really open person. There is not really a thing I don’t want to do.
“As long as you’re with somebody you enjoy being with, you can do pretty much anything.”
I also know that meeting a stranger can be a little scary. So here is everything about me, in print, before we ever sit down. Read it like the Sunday paper.
A2Holidays
Man Who Skips Every Holiday Admits He Is Obsessed With Christmas
I don’t celebrate holidays. I am just not a holiday person. Christmas is the one exception.
I love the weather. I love the snow. I love the feel of it, how merry everything gets and how everybody is in a good mood. The street lights, the music, all of it. It is the only holiday I enjoy, and I look forward to it every single year.
Perhaps I can spend this one with you.
until Christmas morning
☞︎ Tap anywhere in here to shake the snow globe.
A3By the Numbers
B1Education
Former Class Clown Issues Formal Apology to Every Teacher He Ever Had
I have extreme ADHD. I can’t sit still. But it only triggers on things that bore me, and nothing bored me like school. I could not sit in a room for 45 minutes learning about geometry. It was the same with pretty much every subject. I hated all of them.
So I became the class clown. It was the only way to keep myself entertained long enough to sit through every class. I talked about anything and everything that came into my mind. Zero filter.
Looking back, I feel really bad about it. It was tough being my teacher. They already had to deal with the immaturity of a room full of kids. On top of that, they had to deal with a monkey. Every single day.
The good news: it only happens when I’m bored. Hopefully that never applies to hanging out with you.
Can he sit through one class?
B2Animal Desk
If He Were an Animal, Sources Confirm, He Would Be a Penguin
If I was an animal, I would be a penguin. First of all, they are really romantic. A penguin will spend hours looking for a rock, a very, very round one, just to give it to his partner. And in their lifetime they only have one. If she is gone, he is basically alone forever.
They are also really, really good parents. They take care of their kids really well. And they are just funny animals. The way they walk. They wobble. I think that is me in every aspect.
During my years living in the Bronx, I actually volunteered as a zookeeper, and I got to raise a couple of penguins. It was amazing, how curious they are and how energetic they get when you interact with them. I enjoyed every minute I was there.
☞︎ Tap the roundest pebble.
Editor’s note Scientists say some penguins do find a new partner. Colin says he is the other kind.
C1Opinion
Work Is Just Work
I don’t like to talk about it. Here is why, once, so we never have to again.
I understand why people talk about work. It takes up about 70 percent of our day. Take it away and most of us don’t have much left to talk about.
But to me it is all the same. You could work in an office. You could work in the field. It is just work, the thing you do to make a living. That part matters. If you have a business or a line of duty, you should do the best you can to put food on the table, and I respect that 100 percent. What I do is very competitive and I try to be the very best at it.
I just don’t find meaning in it, and I don’t like to talk about it. Especially not with people I care about. With them I want to spend the time on things that are less materialistic.
☞︎ Tap a black bar to declassify it.
What I’d rather talk about
The things that make you feel alive.
C2Gaming
Man Runs Multiple Characters at the Office. Only One of Them Is Real
Over the years I have mastered multiple personalities to use in the corporate world. I think that is very, very important, because if you look at this world, you really do have to play many different roles. You end up in different scenarios, and in each one there is an optimal way to play that environment.
Think of a video game. If your role is to assassinate the king, you want to play as a ninja. Quiet. Nimble. You don’t want to play a barbarian who makes tons of noise when he walks and is not discreet at all. He gets caught by the guards before he even gets through the first door.
My natural personality, who I really am, is a really childish person. I like to say things with no filter. And you would know if I really, really like you, or really enjoy my time hanging out with you, if you get that version of me.
☞︎ Pick a character.
C3The Future
Robots Expected This Year or Next. Man Would Like a Partner for It
I look at things a bit differently now that I’m older. We are so close to AGI. It could be this year. It could be next year. There is going to be a new species out there that can do pretty much everything we can do, a billion times faster and a billion times cheaper.
That is a big reason work doesn’t hold much meaning for me. Very soon, something else can do it. That could be a really good thing for humans. It could be a really bad thing.
It feels like the end stage of capitalism and the beginning of a new era, one where sooner or later the robots run things. What I’m focused on is how to not just survive in that world, but thrive in it.
I don’t have a way yet. Hopefully I figure it out. Or I figure it out with you, over the years. That would be really, really exciting, and it is something I look forward to.
Flip for the future of humans
☞︎ Tap the coin.
D1Money
Man’s Entire Wish List Found to Be One Cup of Starbucks
I am a huge believer in being non-materialistic. That is not easy in New York, where everything is very expensive and everyone is super materialistic. We buy and we consume, and 99 percent of it is stuff we don’t even need.
Here is how I see it. Shiny things get put in front of your face all day, all over social media. You see them, so you want them. How do you get them? You work. Then they put more things in front of you, so you work harder, or you work longer. It is a never ending cycle, and it is a trap. The only people it works for are the ones selling the shiny things.
Ever since I was 14, I have had no drive for any of it. Most of what I spend money on is just Starbucks. It is very easy for me to find happiness. One cup a day and I’m happy. It doesn’t mean I never buy anything else. It just means I don’t have the urge.
The cycle, live
It speeds up the longer you stay on.
E1Sports
Undefeated: Local Man Takes On All Challengers
He says he loves to compete. You’re X. You go first.
Your move.
F1Classifieds
Help Wanted
Hobbies Wanted
Man lost all of his over the years. The work took the free time with it. Seeking someone to introduce new ones. Will try anything.
Bandmate
No band yet. No instrument yet. Strong interest in starting one together.
Cooking Partner
Wants to learn how to cook. Starting from zero. Fellow beginners welcome.
Lab Partner
For science projects. Project to be decided together.
Christmas Company
Wanted: one person to spend this Christmas with. Must like snow.
Retirement Talk
Seeking someone to talk about life after retirement with. Decades early is fine.
Nominate a hobby for him
Pick up to three. The paper writes your text for you.
Pick a hobby and your message shows up here.
Then paste it to me in the app. Or skip the texting: book a phone call.
G1Fact Check
Is This Man Real?
I understand that meeting a stranger can be a little scary. So here is where you can find me. It is mostly work stuff, because I don’t actually have a hobby and that is where my time goes. But you can see the things I do and the things I talk about.
H1Letter From the Editor
Now I’d Like to Learn About You
That’s the whole paper. It is a lot about me, so the next edition should be about you.
Before we meet up, I’d like to do a phone call. I want to learn more about you and see if we are a good fit to meet. Pick any time that works for you.
I’m also hoping you can introduce me to some hobbies and some things to get into. Maybe you give me more things to look forward to in life.
P.S. You found everything there was to tap. That is more attention than I ever gave geometry.
Your move.Colin
A 10 minute call, so he can learn more about you.